"You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The waiting place..."
- Dr. Suess
That Dr. Suess, he's a wise one. Turns out I am a frequent tenant of the waiting place. I suppose I've always been suspicious that I was living in "the waiting place" at times but never cared to give it much thought until this last year. This last year I felt as though I might be taking up permanent residency there until I realized that I was indeed one of those people who was waiting. Waiting for...
"...a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance...just waiting."
Before this last year I was waiting for things like Ben to finish school, or my kids to sleep through the night, or losing 30 lbs. I think that most people take up a piece of The Waiting Place land for those types of things at one point or another in their lives.
Not quite a year ago I found some very disturbing evidence on the internet that things might not be as great as I was hoping they were for Noah at his dad's house. I was shocked, heart-broken, disturbed, angry, worried, indignant...imagine it...I felt it. I think I felt every emotion possible. My child was not in the loving environment I thought and trusted he was in, and there wasn't much, if anything, I could do about it. I continued to find evidence throughout the year, with each discovered piece of evidence came the full range of emotions. It was exhausting. Some points were emotionally excruciating; I felt like it was a poisonous rope that I couldn't let go of, because my child was on the other end of it. I hated searching for this evidence. I hated reading those awful things, so many lies were told....about my child, about me, about the rest of my family, but I felt like I had no choice. I had to find out what was happening with my child because the people who were supposed to be looking out for him while he was there were not telling me the truth. In fact, they were doing what they could to make me think that everything was wonderful there.
Obviously, I knew things weren't wonderful. After all, I had been married to that man for three years...I know the kind of person he is and what life is like with him. I know enough about that other one to know that I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone like her either...or even live in close proximity. Wonderful is something I knew it wasn't, but I was hoping that Noah was at least loved. That isn't too much to ask for, is it?
***I apologize for not just coming out and saying what it is that I found, but to protect Noah I feel that I should be as vague as possible. To my current knowledge, he was not being physically harmed, which I am so unbelievably grateful for. However, the circumstances, I feel, are very serious and could cause emotional damage for Noah now and in the future. Unfortunately, emotional damage, or the possibility of it, is something that is almost impossible to show the courts or get them to do anything about it. This last point is where much of my time and energy were spent.***
During the first month or so I fought with myself over how to handle this situation. I knew I needed to be very careful about what I did, as Noah's father and step mother are not very fond of me...to say the least. :) I knew that much of the outcome of the situation would be a reflection on how I approached it in the first place. Plus, the evidence could have possibly destroyed their family, did I want to be "responsible" for that? Or responsible for bringing the evidence to all involved parties' knowledge, rather, as the evidence I found was on a public chat board, with no anonymity in this person's screen name or profile picture. Just to clarify, I take NO responsibility for the ignorance of doing such a thing in the first place or the blatant craziness that was spewed across the web.
A couple of days later I decided to just ask Noah's father to consider changing custody so that Noah was with me more and I would have no problem allowing them time together when he didn't have to work. I made no mention of what I had found. I was hoping that by some miracle he go along with it but knew in my heart he wouldn't agree. I was right. He wouldn't even discuss custody with me, leaving me no choice but to retain an attorney. I absolutely refused, could not, no way, EVER, know what I know and do nothing about it.
Once I had affirmation that Noah's father was going to continue to be a brick wall it was easy to make a decision. Then I had to wait...wait for money to retain an attorney. Every Sunday evening that I had to send Noah back to his dad's was heart breaking because I knew what was waiting for him. Of course I never mentioned what I had found to Noah. I didn't want to risk him being hurt any more than he was being hurt already. And don't get me wrong, if you ask Noah will tell you that he is happy at his dad's house and on the outside it appears that everything is okay. Noah has lots of friends and is doing exceptionally well in school, but mother's intuition tells me that under the surface he is struggling. This intuition is the reason I "stumbled upon" this evidence in the first place. I just knew that something was off. Anyway, once I had retained the attorney, I did a lot more waiting. I mean A LOT of waiting...on my attorney. I retained my attorney at the end of April and papers weren't even sent to Noah's father until July. My attorney seemed to have quite a bit going on in his personal life at the time too and ended up switching firms, starting his own firm and moving his office a couple of times. Several times I felt like I had paid a couple thousand dollars to have someone besides Noah's father to fight. Returning calls, and emails were not something he was great at. I wanted to retain a different attorney, but didn't have any more money and I knew that court, or mediation or what ever was in the future was going to be very expensive, so more waiting....
I began to get more and more angry with every passing day. So many times I wanted to drive over there and kick ass. I started to get angry at myself and at my Heavenly Father. How could he allow this to happen to my child and render me so helpless? After all, it was quite a leap of faith and obedience that I took in allowing Noah to be with his father "full-time" anyway. He told me that was what He wanted for Noah at one point so I went along with it and now everything seemed so dark for Noah. It had been dark for long before I was aware of it, which was another reason I was so angry.
Somewhere in all the anger and waiting I realized what was happening to me in the waiting place. Before I knew it the year was half over and I couldn't even remember most of it. I had blinders on to just about everything but this situation and as a result missed out on so many wonderful things. I realized that I had been ignoring the one person who could do anything about this, my Heavenly Father. I realized that for myself, I could never be the mother that any of my children need if my back was turned to my Heavenly Father. After all, He is the only one who can see where we are going and what we'll need to survive along the way. How was I supposed to help my children through their journey if I wasn't open to His counsel or the inspiration that He promised me as their mother when He sent them to me in the first place? It would be impossible. I felt ashamed and even more angry at myself for not realizing this sooner. I am still working on mending my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Of course, I know that the only side of that relationship that needs fixing is mine. Opening up my heart and soul...and my "ears" to His voice seems like such an easy thing to do. Perhaps for some people it is, but I struggle. I know this struggle is one of the many lessons that I am on this earth to learn.
I also realized no one loves my children like I do. That is why they were sent to me. Such a simple thing, but something that I did not always know. No one will sacrifice what I am willing to sacrifice (and have already sacrificed in some situations) for each of them. No one else sees them the way I do. Which is not perfectly, mind you. They indeed frustrate and try my patience, but I am human. I know that my Heavenly Father loves them perfectly, and the love that I have for them is the next closest thing. As their mother this was a gift that was given to me and my children. In learning this my love and appreciation grew even stronger than before and the blinders that I was wearing began to recede so that I could see my children even clearer. Hope's dimples and her love for me and her truly beautiful spirit. The woman she will become...this woman needs my help. She needs my example. Even as I type this out I am learning. The woman my little Hopie will be needs me to take her hand and teach her how to make herself....ALLOW herself to be happy. To be the daughter of a King that she is. She needs me to teach her how to see and reach her potential, which is endless.
Noah. Noah needs his mother's example of forgiveness. During this last year I've wondered so often how can his father be forgiven for this? How am I ever going to reach that point? The atonement. Something like this I am incapable of in this life, but with the atonement, it is possible. Heavenly Father promises us that if we do all we can and ask for His help having faith that we will receive...than He will make up the rest. This will be a long journey for me, for there is much I can do, some of which is allowing "time to heal". This journey, or beginning it, which I haven't done yet, is something Noah needs me to do. I will do it for him and for myself. Noah needed me to spend this past year in The Waiting Place, just as I did. Noah needed me to fight for him, and I will continue to do so. Noah needs my encouragement and example of the kind of mother that he wants for his future children. I have much work to do to become that woman. Noah needs the safety and peace of my home and heart in his life. The man Noah will be will need to learn how to forgive himself for his mistakes from my example. That man will learn to put his children before himself and his desires. Noah needs my example and love to teach him that he is deserving and worthy of his righteous desires. He needs me to teach him how to be worthy to receive them.
Eden needs to know her Heavenly Father. She needs to know she is here for a specific reason and that her purpose is divine. She needs to know how to talk to her Heavenly Father and more importantly, how to listen to Him. She needs my example of spiritual and emotional strength and endurance. Something I didn't know I had or was capable of until writing this and reflecting on this past year. Eden will need to know that she is enough. She will also need to know how to allow herself to be happy and have self-respect.
This is the second time in my life that I have had this experience. I sit down to write something...and instead the spirit speaks to me through my own hand. When I began this post, I intended to write about the struggles of this past year and what I learned from them. Turns out that I have learned about three times as much in the last hour than I did the entire year. I am so grateful that I was writing it all down as I was learning it, because I know that I will need to come back to it often to remember.
For a while now I've known that this coming year is going to be significantly different than this year, and from any other year. I am dedicating this coming year to myself. That my sound selfish, but if you have been reading this...I have a lot of self-improvement to do. Everything that "I" wrote that my children need from me...I do not have most of those qualities right now. At least not in full. The first step for myself is to realize that I am not being selfish by dedicating this coming year to becoming a better person, for I feel my children are the ones will benefit the most.
I'm giving my notice to The Waiting Place...I'll be vacating 01/01/2012.
"No! That's not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky."
To finish up the drama of custody, mediation was last Tuesday. We were there six hours. Custody is staying the same, but Noah will be spending much more time with me and therapy is required for Noah and "her". Hopefully this will help improve that relationship. I was very frustrated after mediation because I felt like I had done all I could and still didn't feel like it was enough. After this post, I realize there is much more I can do and will do.
